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My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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