I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
