you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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