Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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