Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
