totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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