i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
