I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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