I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
