The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
