Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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