I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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