Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
