i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
