3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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