she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize