he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
