I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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