i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
