im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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