then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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