But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
