Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
