I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
