last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
