About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
