If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
