You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize