If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You have to summon your inner elephant
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
