I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
