one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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