Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
