Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
