living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
