I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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