im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
