I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
