she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
