Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
