Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
