WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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