You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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