Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
