Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
