why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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