Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
