Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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