I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
