Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
