I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
