champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
