i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I AM VODKA MAN
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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