I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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