What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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