I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
