Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
