she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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