Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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